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Freeing The Prisoner in My Mind: Part 3

Thanks to Nisha (not her real name) for writing a 3 part blog & choosing to share her journey in the hope that it would help other people subjected to sexual abuse. Here she talks about her nerves about counselling but how it helped her take steps forward too. 

Part 3-Freeing the Prisoner in My Mind. Reflecting and Looking Forward.

I still remember my first session at RSVP. I was so nervous, my mind was racing, heart was pounding, and palms were sweating. To add to the emotions, being Asian myself and having an Asian counsellor made me anxious. I felt I would be judged but this was far from the truth, there was no judgement. In fact I think as I’d been honest and open from the start with my counsellor, it helped to clear any fears I had and put my mind at ease. It also helped to build a better relationship between myself and my counsellor. Each week I looked forward to my session, even though at times it was challenging. I had come to realise I didn’t know myself enough and that was hard for me to accept. I guess it was also difficult as I was trying to deal with so much of my past but also my current circumstances at the same time.

Thankfully, my counsellor took time listening to me and allowing me to let out my tears and frustration. Talking helped and felt like a weight off my shoulders. I was finally taking positive steps forward. No matter how small the steps, they were still steps in the right direction.

Despite all the challenges, the journey was teaching me so much. I learnt it was ok to reach out and accept support and professional help; it was just too much to deal with mentally by myself. I learnt how important it is to make time for myself; to hear myself think, to reflect, to feel, to understand and to release. I learnt the feelings I felt during this whole process are normal; the fear, the pain, the nerves, the anger, the self-doubting and confusion. Yup, all normal. I learnt the different strategies that helped me; RSVP social support groups, various counselling therapists, holistic therapies, listening and following inspirational people, opening up to close friends, journaling and daily affirmations. I also learnt a great tool for helping with my anxiety; the scare scale – placing current anxiety on a scale of 0 – 100 (100 being the worst thing that could ever happen).

One important lesson I also learnt was to never give up and to trust the journey. I am still on my journey but I am many steps ahead to when I first started. I am learning so much along the way and I will continue my journey to freeing the prisoner in my mind.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you RSVP for all your support.

– Nisha

Freeing The Prisoner in My Mind: Part 2

Thank you to Nisha (not her real name) for writing a 3 part blog and choosing to share her journey in the hope that it would help other people subjected to sexual abuse. If you’ve missed part 1, click here.

Part 2: Reliving moments to take steps forward

Empty

(Written just after the abuse)

It seems as though I have everything

But truthfully all is hidden within

Nobody can see or feel my inner pain

The fake smiles and cheerful front is all a game

My mind is now full of blight

And the sorrows come from behind like light

Only when it’s dark

Peace is at the heart

Could sleeping permanently be the answer?

As life just feels like cancer

A slow dying process

But with great sorrows causing mess

I feel so empty

I have nobody

Nobody cares and nor do I

All is not visible

I have nothing

The months at RSVP were a rollercoaster for me. The abuse I’d once boxed, locked, thrown away the key and built a brick wall around was starting to come down and unlock. So easily came the old familiar sting of how lost, alone and hurt I once felt. Flashbacks and nightmares started to become regular again, filling my mind and body with rage and fear. Muscles ached from the memories of being held down tight. Mirrors became unbearable again as the reflection stared back at me in disgust. Confusion, doubt and self-blame sickened me to my core. The hurt, the tears, this man had taken away my self-worth. I felt anger and resentment for not getting justice but also disappointment that I’d allowed this abuse to affect me many years later. The once bubbly, confident girl had disappeared. The once social butterfly had retracted and hidden away, becoming untrusting of others, especially men. I needed to truly find myself again. At times it felt like I was on a downwards spiral. Moments of reliving my pain, to moments of my behaviour being out of character. Dealing with these memories and emotions created a sense of turmoil but I was not alone anymore. My counsellor listened to me without judgement and helped me to see where I was going. I felt safe and supported. I started to understand and somewhat accept what had happened to me.

Rape, sexual abuse; it’s something a lot of people do not like to talk about. But I wasn’t ashamed anymore. RSVP had taught me to love and accept myself, to believe in me. The flashbacks slowly started to settle and mirrors became acceptable with time. A glimmer of hope now stared back at me in the reflection. The social groups at RSVP also helped me tremendously, I was able to confidently socialise with others in the group and made some lovely friends. With a fellow survivor, I took pride in being part of a skydive fundraiser for RSVP, raising over £1400. Jumping out of a plane at 10,000 feet high I felt the cold air rushing against my face as I was free falling. For a few moments I closed my eyes feeling so grateful for all the support RSVP had given me. I was now able to tell myself how proud I was of my progress and that I would never stop moving forward.

RSVP for me really was an eye opener, realising there is hope, no matter how hard the journey.

-Nisha

Meeting Me

This moving blog post is by Lisa. Huge thanks to her for wanting to share her story of how she finally met the little girl who disappeared overnight after sexual abuse.

 

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Meeting Me

 

The little girl I was disappeared overnight. Gone was the happy, care free 8 year old and in her place was a sad, frightened and ashamed victim of sexual abuse.

 

To survive I put that 8 year old in a box, locked it and threw away the key. To think of her reminded me of the abuse and I DID NOT want to remember. To relate what happened to her to me I simply did not allow.

 

Denial is a powerful thing and I see now a protective thing, but there comes a time when it becomes harmful. The energy it takes to maintain that denial, to keep it hidden is exhausting and I, without question, made myself both physically and emotionally ill for many years because of it.

 

I did not make a conscious decision to ‘release’ that 8 year old from her box – she just got louder, desperate to be released. She had had enough of being silenced and ignored. For me she literally came bursting out at a counselling session that I had gone to because I was feeling so desperately sad and empty and thought it was time I found out why. With a single question, without any prior planning on my part I revealed my abuse. With that single reply I had unlocked the box and there was no going back.

The years since that moment have been a roller coaster and some of the toughest of my life. It has felt like I have had an open wound that every time it started to heal, just opened again. There have been times I wanted to push her back into the box, go back to denying her existence. I was not aware of the extent of the pain there would be but equally there have been times when I wanted to open the wound completely and clean away all of the badness.

 

I chose to keep fighting, I have persevered with the primary reason that being to free my 8 year old once and for all. To give her a voice, to tell her she is safe and to let her find the life she deserved.

 

Me and her are in the process of getting to know one another. I am trying hard to take care of her – showing her she is loved and has nothing to be ashamed of. She is slowly helping me break down the walls I built to surround me, shutting out the world. I realise now that she is not weak or bad but in fact brave and courageous and she sees in me that she survived. Most important of all I am no longer leaving her behind…instead we are walking hand in hand, to a better future and the one we BOTH deserved.

A Different Day

 

 

We were pleased on World Mental Health Day to see the momentum gathering for a different conversation around mental health. There’s been a growing number of people talking about trauma informed support, as opposed to medical model based support. The latter labels people, puts a diagnosis on them and asks ‘what’s wrong with you?’

 

In cases of sexual trauma a survivor can be invited to feel that they are the problem, and are powerless, disordered and broken, further exacerbating feelings of shame and blame they might feel. They can think that their only answer is medication and to understand ‘what’s wrong with them’ by using a medical label.

 

 

A trauma informed approach sees people’s struggles as understandable responses to the trauma and/or adversity they’ve faced, as ways to cope with the overwhelming, distressing nature of trauma.

 

In cases of sexual trauma the question considered would be ‘what’s happened?’ A survivor would be invited to make their own connections between then and now, to value their resilience in coping with abuse and to see their feelings and behaviors as natural and understandable responses to an unnatural situation. This empowering and compassionate approach would build on the resourcefulness of survivors and give them the power to understand and change, dismantling feelings of powerlessness, shame and blame.

 

At RSVP we are part of the movement to create a more trauma informed world. We deliver training which encourages professionals to respond to survivors of sexual abuse with belief, compassion, kindness and warmth. We provide frameworks so that professionals see survivors struggles and despair, not through the lens of stigma, shame or labels, but through the lens of humanity, as natural reactions to extreme distress. Our training uses the voices and experiences of survivors at the centre of what we do, as they are the experts of their experiences. If more people avoided giving labels and instead took the time to listen, hear and understand the stories of survivors we’d give hope and provide the compassionate support for them to thrive.

 

If you’d like to know more about our trauma informed training, please contact us on: trainer@rsvporg.co.uk or 0121 643 0301

 

Learning to Love Myself

This blog reflects on an issue we are sure many survivors will relate to, the challenge of learning to love yourself. Thank you to the survivor, who wishes to remain anonymous, for writing this blog, sharing their journey and for contributing something back to RSVP through fundraising for us. We are very grateful and hope you feel proud of how many positive changes you’ve made in order to reach a place where you know what a strong, capable and resilient survivor you are.

 

Anon.

 

I think everyone struggles to like themselves at some point in their lives. Unfortunately for me, and so many other survivors, liking myself always seemed an impossible task. After six years of sexual abuse at the hands of a person I thought loved me, I even struggled to want to be in my own body, let alone like it.

 

My journey to recovery started when I chose to tell a friend of my abuse. I was 12. My friend didn’t think much of it, and maybe I didn’t either. I look back and realise that neither of us understood it. By 15, my abuse had become idle gossip amongst the other children at school. Whispers in the corridor, messages posted online, texts to my phone, things shouted at me across the playground… Only they weren’t gossiping in belief; I was branded a liar and an attention seeker. My nightmare had only just begun when I was called into the Head’s office and told that he would be informing social services and my parents. My parents… it was the thing I’d always dreaded the most. What would they think? What would they say? Watching them be told, along with my big sister, was truly heart-breaking. It is a memory that is etched on my brain as the start of a downward spiral in my life.

 

I’m not ashamed to admit, I was in a dark place. I stopped eating, grasping at the one thing I felt I had control over whilst my life appeared to be unravelling around me. I truanted from school, unable to bear the gossip and the bullies. I isolated myself from my family, barely able to take the guilt I felt from the pain they were in. Years passed by; I was stuck in a haze of my own misery, self pity and guilt, hurting myself because I always felt it was my fault.

 

It was my sister who pushed me to go to counselling. She made the call. She set it up. And I can honestly say it changed my life. Driving there by myself, walking into the room and speaking to someone about my abuse is the bravest thing I have ever done and a defining moment in my life. I finally started to like myself a little. The pride I felt when leaving my first counselling session has carried me, enabled me to pursue my career and to finally raise some money for a charity like RSVP and give something back to people like me.

 

I wake up everyday and remind myself that I am strong, I am capable and I am a survivor. It’s okay to put yourself first, it’s okay to look after yourself and it is most definitely okay to LOVE yourself. Every day, I read a new story and every day I am reminded that it wasn’t my fault. I have witnessed the incredible, unshakable strength of survivors and I intend to continue my journey to loving myself because of that.

We’re recruiting volunteer counsellors

If you’re a qualified or student counsellor, you could make a huge difference to the lives of survivors of sexual violence by joining RSVP as a volunteer. You will be fully supported by a professional team and be part of a unique, specialised service in central Birmingham.

Counsellors support survivors of any kind of sexual violence, including rape, childhood sexual abuse, forced prostitution and sexual assault.

There are 12 spaces available. The deadline for applications is Thursday 27th April, and should be sent via email to info@rsvporg.co.uk

More information, including interview and training dates, and the application form are in the links below.

Volunteer-Counselling-Cover-letter

Application_for_volunteer_counsellor_2017

To discuss further, contact Maria Dillon or Katie Simpson, Team Leaders on 0121 643 0301

We’re recruiting volunteer counsellors

If you’re a qualified or student counsellor, you could make a huge difference to the lives of survivors of sexual abuse by joining RSVP as a volunteer. You will be fully supported by a professional team  and be part of a unique, specialised service in Birmingham and Solihull.

Counsellors support survivors of any kind of sexual violence, including rape, childhood sexual abuse, forced prostitution and sexual assault.

There are 14 spaces available. The deadline for applications is Sunday 6th November, and should be sent via email to info@rsvporg.co.uk

More information, including interview and training dates, and the application form are in the links below.

Volunteer Counselling Cover letter

Application_for_volunteer_counsellor

RSVP Leaflet

To discuss further, contact Anjella Darcy, Head of Counselling and Wellbeing Services on 0121 643 0301

 

 

Counselling feedback

We’re gathering feedback on our specialist rape and abuse counselling service. If you have received, or are currently receiving,counselling at RSVP, would you spare a few minutes and complete a short online survey? All feedback is totally confidential and will help us to improve the service and support more survivors.
Click through to the survey www.surveymonkey.com/r/S5M9DG7

Many thanks!

Volunteering – a work of heart

This year’s Volunteers Week took place 1-7 June. We currently work with over 60 volunteers who help RSVP deliver  vital support to survivors in various ways, from direct client care (counselling, helpline) to marketing, fundraising and research. But, why volunteer? Here’s a little insight from one of our amazing volunteer counsellors.

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When I tell people that I volunteer as a counsellor, I’m usually met with hushed silence. I suspect I’m sometimes dismissed as a bit of a ‘do-gooder.’ One of those irritating people with too much time on their hands who make a big deal of their selflessness.

None of these labels quite fit. I’m certainly no angel. And while my empty nest has relieved me of big financial burdens, I still have to bring home some bread.

Maybe the real question underlying ‘why volunteer?’ is curiosity about my motives? Doing “owt for nowt” makes little sense in a society where value is quantified in an hourly rate. Never mind that I don’t properly value myself by working for nothing, what possible worth could voluntary work have for the world at large? I think we all know the answer to that one. Volunteering probably contributes billions to the UK economy, though that’s the very least of its virtues, even in a society that monetises everything. Its big-heartedness can be felt in every household, community, town and city across the land, providing everything that makes life worth living.

The fact that I’m not paid for my voluntary work is less a reflection of its worth – more a critique on how we organise our economy.

But none of this really explains why over 19 million people in the UK choose to volunteer every year. I suspect that for most, like me, the motivation is a simple one. I absolutely love what I do. It stirs my heart and expands my mind. Most of all it connects me deeply to people in a way that would never be sanctioned in the commercial world where profit rules. I get to work in a great organisation which is fired by compassion and delivered with the kind of professionalism that would put the big corporates to shame.

Volunteering is all about nurturing social relationships, the ‘greatest single cause of happiness’ according to psychologist Michael Argyle. That’s probably why RSVP’s 62 volunteers have a spring in their step. They apply their skills with love, whether they’re staffing the helpline, serving on the board, making arts and crafts, raising funds, doing IT and admin, overseeing the website and social media or offering counselling to clients.

They know that if you want to be happy for a day, buy a Porsche. But if you want to be happy for a lifetime, volunteer.