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Two of me


There is two of me.
One the confident professional, who is passionate about my job, described by colleagues as conscientious and dedicated to work
Then there is me on the inside, in the quiet times when there is no one else there.
Me that remembers the past, not wanting to believe what I recall.

There is however two of most of us.
Everyone wears some sort of mask.
Everyone may be hiding a phobia, a fear, a memory.
Everyone will at some stage put on an act, a show to those around them.

Yet, we are not everyone.
We are not ones who can forever hide behind a mask.
Our mask is surviving.
Looking back through adult eyes yet a child’s body-feeling it, seeing it in our mind’s eye.
Our mask cannot hide the triggers of our heightened senses.
It cannot dismiss the reality of seeing that someone in the corner of our eye or hearing words once said to us.

Our masks are survival mechanisms.
Built and moulded to block out pain, hurt and shame.
Carefully crafted to fool the preying eyes of the world around us.

My fear is family and friends discovering who all of me really is, my experiences
Discovering the fears and terrors that have been hidden well by the years
Tidied away into neat parcels and wrapped tightly then put away…. until now.

Now I’ve started talking about it.
Now the reality of the years is forefront in my mind.
Now the triggers occur where once they were all pushed aside, once forgotten

Now it’s real.
My mask is being slowly and carefully removed.
My fears are understood, believed.
The tightly wrapped memories in my mind are gently being unwrapped.
The inner me feels frightened,  alone and in a strange environment,  unfamiliar territory.

Yet my mask will come away.
I am unlearning the strategies once held tight that kept me safe and kept me in some control of my situation.
I am learning to forgive myself for holding myself responsible
With support I now have, and an ever present listening ear I can be reassured,
I now realise my fears, reactions and emotions are all okay- part of a healing process

We all wear a mask.
What our mask unearths is the real us.
Our mask is part of us.
Part of our survival. Part of our story.

Yet, these can be removed,
There can be just one of us, not two
The inner me can be exposed in the safety of a listening ear.
My deepest fears can be realised and I can move forward with new strategies not to hide yet to thrive.

To realise my potential without a mask
To see a future without hiding,  without clinging on the memories.
This is now possible. This is within reach.

We all wear a mask at some point
But do we all know what our masks are protecting us from?

Posted 12 February 2018

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