More Snow
Thank you to Ann for sending through her second poem about snow. It’s really powerful.
I used to like it lay its cloak,
Felt safe around me,
Nothing broke,
Nothing shattered,
Nothing lost
No nightmares where my brain
was tossed.
Serene and silent,
Quiet and quaint
People sparkling,
Glittered paint.
On every treetop,shrub and rock,
It spread itself
With sugared swirl,
THEN,I was
Always “Daddy’s girl”.
BUT NOW,
NOW, Darth Vader
Comes in white
He cracks and snaps
Throughout the night,
Then LIES
Serene
and vacuum-still,
His brightness stuns the room until
He grips with claws
My frozen jaws,
Shakes my bones
and shreds my skin.
how could I let this
Bastard in?
Snow
Thank you Ann for sending in this poem.
It bites,
Its raw,
It moves my floor,
It steals my feet
My life and more.
It makes me score
What hurt? What dirt?
How much? how deep?
Never,ever sleep
The same again.
Over all my world
It Dominates.
When whiteness lies
I’m cut to size
I’m curled in fear-
arm over ear,
Terrified by the Power,
Anyhow,anytime,
Every hour
but most in darkness.
Rocking now,
Holding brow,
When its over me
I’m small and tiny,
“Mini-me”
Can’t stop
The drop
to Hell.
Falling ,falling,
Not like rain
On my face-
splattered pane.
Whiteness,
Void, but
Nothing’s free,
There’s always price
to pay
for Whiteness-
Freedom’s gone
Away.
Galleons
Thank you to Ann for submitting this poem.
From the mist
Sails a Pirate ship.
To Blast you from the water,
Ruin life with your daughter,
Your son, your wife …. Your
Life.
Turn you outside in,
Don’t ever think you’ll win,
It won’t ever go away,
You know, that
Living death,
Black spot,
Rifled, shot,
Feel insane?
It’s in your brain
Tricking you
That ‘then’ is ‘now’,
“Poor cow”,
locked in at night,
sealed by fright,
Your bones will turn to dust.
Because you cannot trust
even You.
But….
Grab that boat
And crash it down.
Slash its sails and
Watch it drown.
Unfurl your sails
And sally forth,
You own the sea,
The sky, the Earth,
You’ve owned it
Since you had your birth.
They stole life from you.
Your right to be
A happy galleon
Sailing free.
In your shoes,
They’d have sunken
Long before
You made the journey
Back to shore.
Command the Ocean,
Dare them drown,
Own your peace
Erase your frown.
Be proud of you,
Be proud of me,
Together
We make RSVP.
Triggers
Thank you to Ann for sending us this poem about triggers. Anything can be a trigger, and it can be hard to navigate the world knowing you might be painfully triggered.
You can be “alright”,
Actually “fine”,
I mean
Actually present,
Actually there,
Do I dare
to say
“OK”?…….
It hits,
You’re gun shot
that quick!
The needles stick,
The walls hit
That slick!
The fog descends,
Under the blanket
You wrestle to regain
Pain –
Control
From bleeding out
Your heart.
It’s futile,
You’re immobile
You choke and splutter
Stutter, mutter, it
Traps you,
Flaps you.
Try in vain
To regain
“You”,
Without this pain.
Then, after time,
Shaft of light,
A branch,
A twig,
A stepping stone
To somewhere bright.
A foothold
Up towards the light.
A hand to grab
A tool to stab
The bastard trigger
Dead.
Then, breathless,
Plaster on,
Carry on,
You struggle back
to being “You” ,
but know the score,
the gunshot bore,
the gaping hole,
Scarred but
Double hard,
You’ll know it next time,
More control,
Smaller hole
In your head.
In your heart
You start
Again
To fit the mould.
Halt the cold,
The ice –
incise
Shard,
Steely hard
Knife
That stabs
Your life.
You have to beat it,
Melt it out,
Burn the sucker
Have no doubt.
Regain control,
Ignore the blip
You mustn’t
ever let
“You” slip.
Looking Back, Looking Forward
Lisa has written the following piece after a therapy session, it is something that she’s been thinking about a lot. She reflects on how therapy is proving to be very helpful and that despite still having bad days she feels she is getting stronger every day. Thank you Lisa for your powerful words, we are certain that they will speak to many survivors.
***
For most of my life I’ve largely blocked out my past, been too anxious to enjoy the present and feared the future. But over the past 4 years whilst undergoing counselling, going through the experience of reporting the abuse, attending court and giving my evidence and receiving psychotherapy for post trauma stress, I’ve had to face my past, present and future. It’s been terrifying, heartbreaking, hard, empowering, liberating and surreal in equal measure.
The reality I’ve learnt is that I have to look back to have any chance of enjoying the present and having the future I hope for.
Through my therapy I now know that my past has controlled me for as long as I can remember. Every decision and every step has origins in the abuse I suffered as a child. My no self worth led me to accept things I should have known were not good enough, my fear and anxiety stopped me from being spontaneous and taking any risks, the emotional and physical scars caused me a lifetime of pain and disability.
Blocking out the abuse meant I accepted years of loneliness, disappointments and sadness because I believed that’s all I deserved. Each day my expectations were low – I kept them low because I was used to life that way and I learnt that if I expected the least then if anything happened that was good, that would be a bonus.
I see now I thought controlling everything meant nothing bad would ever happen to me again. The truth is I suspended my life…not in time but definitely in living. I was scared to live because I had seen the worse side of it.
It was so hard to take that step forward to have counselling, to finally acknowledge to myself just how sad and lost I was. It was incredibly hard to make the decision to report the abuse, to have to open up and expose my vulnerability and fear. And it was scary to walk into psychotherapy knowing for me that this was my best chance to finally be able to cherish the here and now, and find my peaceful future.
Taking the path I chose is not the right one for everyone but for me it has been. I’m still on that path but I’m much further along it than I ever dreamed when I stepped on it 4 years ago. The nightmares of my past are becoming fainter and I’m increasingly able to handle them when they feel near, my belief in myself and self worth grows daily. I’m beginning to enjoy the here and now, cherishing being alive rather than feeling it is a chore, and my hope for my future as a more peaceful and hopeful one, grows daily.
To all survivors out there I hope you find your own path. Remember that we are so very much stronger, braver, courageous and determined than we know. Don’t be scared to look back because in doing so you can look forward to the life you deserve.
RSVP
This poem about RSVP was written by Ann. Thank you Ann for your warm words. And sorry about the clumsy lifts! 🙂
Don’t take this from me,
This calm of places,
The arms that hug me,
The smiling faces.
I need to come here,
I need to fit,
I just need to be
Allowed to sit.
It’s precious now,
To those who come,
It’s strength in numbers,
It allows us fun.
It smells of safety,
It smells of nice.
I feel warm here,
There’s no ice.
The buzzer on the wall,
The clumsy lifts,
The mouse-size toilets,
No-one fits.
The chairs,
The cushions,
The bing-bong bell,
Safe oasis
From our hell.
Don’t take this from me,
I need it here.
I need to know
That others fear,
Reach and huddle,
Meet and cuddle,
Know I’m breathing,
Know I’m here,
Know that
These are people
I don’t have to fear.
Remember
Thanks to the anonymous survivor who shared this powerful poem.
** Trigger warning. This poem could cause distress and bring back painful memories if you have also been subjected to rape, sexual violence and abuse. **
Remember, remember
They said
Remember what happened
Remember the surroundings
Was the light on or off?
Remember
How he placed his hand on my thigh
Gripping it tightly
The pain from his thumb
Piercing my leg
Remember what he did
His hand on my mouth
Stop messing
You want this
I never wanted this.
Survivor poem
This bold and profound poem was written by an anonymous survivor. Thank you for sharing your words with us.
You took something that wasn’t yours to take.
Robbed me of my choice, made me feel I had no voice.
You took something that wasn’t yours to take.
Distorted every image of myself I see, created demons and trapped them inside me.
You took something that wasn’t yours to take.
I don’t forgive you. People will continue to say that forgiveness will set me free. Well then, I forgive me.
I forgive me for allowing what you did to make me think I was worthless. I forgive me for the years of torture now I know that I am blameless.
You don’t define me, I define me.
I will place blame where blame is due, and if even for a moment, you will carry this weight, too.
Me
This powerful and hopeful poem was written by Kirk. Thank you Kirk for sharing these words.
‘used to have such a happy smile,
Was told I would laugh, all the while,
Things went strange, then they went bad,
I started getting beaten, by my dad.
I got to seven, should have been buzzin’,
Didn’t want to see the abuse of my cousin,
Things were strange, and really bad,
The abuse carried out, by my dad.
My uncle would play, with little boys,
Then came the day, I was one of his toys.
Things were strange and really bad,
My abuser the brother, of my dad.
Our family life, my mom thought quite grand,
She always buried, her head in the sand,
She was strange, and really bad,
I think she knew, of the sins of my dad.
My parents they planned to live ‘cross the water,
On school holidays, they’d care for my daughter
My cousin came out, that plan was defeated
She told everyone, her darkest kept secret
Dad took his own life, he had to really,
He craved his liberty, far too dearly
The way he went, it made me sad,
I never got justice, even from my dad.
These words I’ve written are from the heart
When life gets tough, don’t fall apart
When days are dark don’t give up hope
you have the strength within to cope.
That is not, who I am now,
I have succeeded, oh and how.
I have made changes to my whole life,
Helped by a woman; I’d like as my wife.
Kirk
I owe myself
Thank you to Annette for sharing her poem with us.
Nobody owes me anything
Because I know the people who hurt me will never say SORRY!!
They will never come to justice truly because my pain will never go away
They can never feel the hurt they placed inside of me, not only my body but my brain also, and my heart.
So the reason I owe myself is because I owe myself the time to grieve for what they have taken away from me.
I owe myself to forgive myself for allowing my abusers to cause so much pain, I panic!
I owe myself the time to know I am better than they are.
I owe myself the feeling of not feeling ashamed of who I am
I owe it to myself not to come down to their level and to comfort people in need, not hurt them.
But most of all I owe it to myself to be happy, to be free and to learn to trust, there are good people out there in this big wide world.
Most of all I owe it to myself to feel achievement and proud of who I am today!!
It has been a long journey, but we didn’t learn to walk or talk in one day.
It’s that first step to freedom, then it will become strides.
Be proud that you have taken the first step.
There are times you get hiccups, but everyone does,
Know who you are in life,
Just hold on, and fight for yourself to make your life happier and easier.
If I can do it, I’m sure you can.
Stand up for yourself when the time is right, be PROUD and STRONG
Always, always remember you were a victim, now you are a survivor, stand proud!
You are the better person and always will be.
It will be good when you feel free again and alive, fight for you, for what you believe in.
Don’t let your dreams pass you by, you can live your dreams and be happy.
Remember that saying…turn a frown upside down,
A smile is contagious and a hug from someone genuine can make your day seem a little better!