What Doesn’t Serve You, Let It Go

KA survivor has asked us to share this poem, it poignantly reflects how painful the impact of sexual trauma and sexual abuse can be, and how having a safe space to share these feelings can help to let them go. Huge thanks and gratitude to the survivor for allowing us to share this powerful piece.

 

*Please take care when reading this poem as part of the content (in particular the 4th paragraph after the first picture) may be a trigger for some survivors. *

 

 

Thoughts swirling around, creating chaos in my mind- no direction, no way out

What purpose do they serve?

But to destroy the present or awake the senses of that were the past?

 

 

Let them go.

Let them go where?

Into the abyss of the emptiness of the mind or to pen and paper to be dealt with later?

Let go and learn to live again

To deal with a trauma, not forgetting yet recalling

Not reliving it yet remembering it all for what it was

I was not responsible

I was not responsible

 

To be able to respond to questions, not being ashamed of who I am, what I am, what I was and what I did

I was not responsible

 

I understand not only with a child’s mind yet now with an opened mind

To keep recalling and reflecting is not serving a purpose, but occupying the present

I was not responsible

 

However I feel that I was, however I know that I felt and recall those feelings, they were not my choice

This can be my choice now.

It can be my choice- not his words, his breath, his body, him in me… this can be just me

A long journey now approaching a crossroads

Not turning back yet looking ahead to the path in front

Whatever does not serve my mind needs to go another way.

I hold the map in my hands,

My own compass to direct me,

To guide me and point me back to where I need to belong

I know my bricks are within reach

I was not responsible,

Even when I feel I was and I deserved every bit of it for being me

I was not responsible,

Even though I still view a fractured image of self as a mirrored reflection

 

Wise words spoken, mind shaping a different pattern

My ship, it will be repaired

Sheltered waters await me if I let them embrace me

Clutching tight and yet holding on to images of the past

Locked into feelings, not the best way forward-

As venturing into a sea of desperate waves crashing mindlessly on a stricken deck

 

It will not serve a purpose, it will not heal, just harm

Thoughts swirling around, creating chaos in my mind- no direction, no way out

What purpose do they serve?

But to destroy the present or awake the senses of that were the past?

Let them go.

Let them go where?

Let them be processed, understood for what they were

For how they unfolded, yet did not take over

Let them go, into the ears of a listener

Into arms that can wrap around security and reassurance

They do serve a purpose, for they are part of who I am

Yet will not dictate who I am

These feeling do not serve me, they seek to destroy me

I will, slowly and surely let them go.