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Living Reconnected-two

Living Re-Connected-Part Two, by Emily Jacob.

Foreword by RSVP: We are delighted to welcome Emily as a guest writer on part two of talking about her journey to feel fully reconnected after sexual violence. Here at RSVP we know how vital it is to promote recovery and thriving by encouraging survivors to connect with their mind and feelings, and with their bodies too, since sexual trauma impacts on every aspect of the self. Many survivors (even after receiving other support services like counselling) still struggle to connect with their bodies and with the social element of life, feeling isolated, withdrawn, dissociative and socially anxious. This is why we have social groups to promote well-being, physical activity, holistic interventions and relaxation techniques with survivors. We offer five social groups every month enabling survivors to take part in a variety of free activities such as Tai Chi, bowling, yoga, cinema trips and meals out; we offer a monthly coffee morning and a weekly craft group too. All have turned into an important way that survivors can rebuild well-being, increase social activity and make new friends. Read more about our social groups here: https://rsvporg.co.uk/services/free-social-groups/ and enjoy the second part of Emily’s blog below.

Continued from part one.

I was feeling empowered, the kind that comes from within, and isn’t found at the bottom of a bottle of wine.

My mind was ready; my body was not. It seemed to want to stay in the hyper/hypo yo-yo, it wanted to sleep and collapse after any minor excitement. It was becoming my Achilles heel, and I resented it more than ever, holding me back, preventing me from doing everything my head now said I could.

Then, one evening, completely unexpectedly, something clicked. I was at a women’s retreat, the kind where you do lots of intensive & challenging internal personal work, not the kind where you have face masks and massages. It was an exercise in connecting with our inner vitality, our inner soul animal. I watched everyone connecting with tigers, lions, dancing, moving. And yet I was trapped, I couldn’t move; I was locked, frozen, in position. The tears started rolling down my face. I realised: I hadn’t forgiven my body for what had happened to me. My mind and my body were completely disconnected.

Up until that point I’d been dealing with symptoms and trying to control conscious thought. And although this had undoubtedly saved my life, what I really needed to do, was make peace with my body and start living as a whole human being again.

I’d found the missing piece to my recovery.

I have been working hard ever since, slowly reconnecting my mind with my body, my body with my mind.

The decision to use this knowledge, and my new skills, to help other survivors was one I resisted for a long time. Although I wanted to do something meaningful with my life, I didn’t want to make rape the focus of my life. I didn’t want to be defined by that one, devastating event.

I’d spent years and thousands of pounds trying to make sense of it all, trying to feel whole again. I knew the coaching skills combined with my real-life experience of different therapies and my own recovery could be a powerful combination to help others. But I didn’t want to.

And then I met Deborah. Deborah had no access to help and was on a waiting list for therapy. She’d lost friends, struggled with work and felt completely isolated. It broke my heart.  And her story is not unique.

I spoke to other rape survivors and found that they all felt the same disconnect that I did. The same hopelessness. They too felt that coping was enough. Getting through the day was just about as good as it gets.

So, I decided I had to do something about it. I started to share my strategies and knowledge, gradually helping others to re-connect the dots in their minds. They began to make profound changes, which previously they felt were impossible. I loved the feeling of being able to have an instant, positive impact on someone else’s life.

Everything slowly started to make sense. I realised that my life did have a purpose, and that I couldn’t possibly leave these women to struggle alone.

Finally, I had something to fight for. Something to live for. Today, I no longer see myself as a rape survivor.  Because to survive is to struggle. To fight, every day. I’m more than that. My life is blossoming. I feel revived. I can see light pouring into the cracks and drowning out the shadows. Of course, there are still occasional dark times, dark thoughts. Moments of despair. But I know that they will pass. And that’s more than good enough for me. They serve as a handy reminder of just how far I’ve come.

But the greatest pleasure for me, comes from knowing that one day, you will feel this way too.

Emily founded ReConnected Life http://reconnected.life/ to help survivors shed the shame and self-blame, and move forward with their lives. Through the ReConnected Life Experience http://reconnected.life/experience/  Emily guides survivors through their recovery path from surviving to living. And in the ReConnected Life Community  http://reconnected.life/community a sanctuary of safety, understanding and compassion has been created with women helping women, healing each other. She’d love for you to join them!

Living Reconnected

Living Re-Connected-Part One, by Emily Jacob.

Foreword by RSVP: We are delighted to welcome Emily as a guest writer talking about her journey to feel fully reconnected after sexual violence. Here at RSVP we know how vital it is to promote recovery and thriving by encouraging survivors to connect with their mind and feelings, and with their bodies too, since sexual trauma impacts on every aspect of the self. Many survivors (even after receiving other support services like counselling) still struggle to connect with their bodies and with the social element of life, feeling isolated, withdrawn, dissociative and socially anxious. This is why we have social groups to promote well-being, physical activity, holistic interventions and relaxation techniques with survivors. We offer five social groups every month enabling survivors to take part in a variety of free activities such as Tai Chi, bowling, yoga, cinema trips and meals out; we offer a monthly coffee morning and a weekly craft group too. All have turned into an important way that survivors can rebuild well-being, increase social activity and make new friends. Read more about our social groups here: https://rsvporg.co.uk/services/free-social-groups/ and enjoy Emily’s blog below.

“There was a time when I didn’t know what the point of life and living was. It’s not like that anymore because I have discovered the route map to living a reconnected life. It wasn’t straightforward, I had to go searching. I got lots of help, initially; but not really. I did the things you’re supposed to do. I went to victim support. I went to the Havens. I went to the Women and Girls network. I got some one-to-one counselling, I graduated to the group therapy programme.

I thought I was better, because I’d taken my medicine. I wasn’t better. I was still numbing every emotion, through every conceivable way. Food, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, prescription and otherwise. Cutting. I became a workaholic, working 12-14 hour days 7 days a week. I had a meltdown, a breakdown, maybe a breakthrough. The medicine was prescribed again: one to one counselling, group therapy. And this time when it ended, I knew I wasn’t better yet. And so because I’m a privileged middle class white girl who at the time had a job with health insurance, I jumped through every hoop I could to get access to actual psychiatric care. Which I had for 18 months, and which saved my life.

Except it also didn’t. Because after, when I was discharged, and told I wasn’t mental anymore, I still didn’t have a clue how to be in this world, this world that had betrayed me so badly. I went searching for more answers, and it was only on that journey that I started to understand how to move forward, believe in myself, and put myself back together again.

I felt ungrateful. I’d overcome (most of) the negative coping behaviors. I’d started sleeping through the night. I didn’t have panic attacks anymore. I was even weaning myself off the anti-depressants. I’d had some amazing help that had ‘cured’ me to the point I could say I was ‘in remission’, or even ‘recovered.’ Plan B became more theoretical, more a memory of a possibility, it became far from the real intention it had been. And, yet, I didn’t know how to do life, I didn’t know how to be.

With the apparent cure in place, I remained totally frustrated that I still didn’t feel ‘right’, I didn’t feel like I ‘belonged’ in the world, I still felt ‘broken’ and ‘fragile’. I didn’t trust my cure, I didn’t feel connected to anyone or anything, not even myself.

I thought this is just the way life is going to be. One day at a time. Surviving. Better than before, because no panic attacks, but still, not whole, not really living. Surviving.

At about the same time as being discharged from psychiatric treatment, I took voluntary redundancy and started my own business. As part of that, I wanted to add coaching, so became qualified, adding the NLP toolset along the way. What I found was, that in learning how to help other people, I was actually also learning how to help myself. I was learning how to start to feel connected to the world, to dreams, to future plans, to me, again.”

To be Continued in Part Two.

Emily founded ReConnected Life http://reconnected.life/ to help survivors shed the shame and self-blame, and move forward with their lives. Through the ReConnected Life Experience http://reconnected.life/experience/  Emily guides survivors through their recovery path from surviving to living. And in the ReConnected Life Community  http://reconnected.life/community a sanctuary of safety, understanding and compassion has been created with women helping women, healing each other. She’d love for you to join them!

The inspiration to have a life

These powerful words come from Ann one of RSVP’s inspiring clients.

I would like to speak not only to say how RSVP has helped me, but thousands of other survivors in lots of different ways.

I myself came to this wonderful organisation at the age of 59 years. From the age of 3 I had suffered abuse and pain. The feeling of being alien made me deal with the feeling of being ashamed, that you smell, and are dirty, evil and ugly. Then the mind games start. Who would believe a stupid little girl? Then as you get older the flashbacks, feeling you think people can see what is going on not only in your head but in your body too. You think all the badness is visible and the smell from the badness inside of you. You believe this so much, you think ‘if I am fat and ugly no-one will like me’ but that does not work. I was wrong, so once again I punished myself.

At the age of 3 my own dad would touch me and tell me this is what daddies do with their little girls and it is okay. Then as I got older my brother would do the same but wanted to do more things, things I never thought were possible. Then when I reached 12 years old I was held down by some boy and a so called friend and raped. Then I started my monthlies and I thought I was going to die.

Then the time of having to live with my brother and sister- in – law where they both abused me, threatening me so bad that I wanted to die. As a teenager I was raped for 24 hours by a man just let out of prison. I could not tell anyone because they would blame me, ‘the ugly little alien’ who only has one purpose in life.

Now with the help of such a wonderful organisation as RSVP I have been given a life, where I am never judged, never looked down on. To know I can share my feelings and not feel bad about it. I always thought it was my problem, why does anyone else need to know?

RSVP from receptionists, office staff, managers, counsellors, CEO Lisa, Sally Chairperson and not forgetting the trustees and fundraisers, they have all played a part in me realising I have a life and a voice. I am now a person with feelings. Thanks to counselling and social groups I no longer feel alone, now knowing I don’t need to hide anymore and having a right to show my feelings.

The greatest thing is knowing RSVP treat all their clients and members of staff and volunteers with respect and understanding, and are sympathetic, non-judgemental not only to myself but to everyone they come into contact with, making everyone’s feelings count.

I would like to say thank you to one and all who support so many people like myself. To make me understand others actions should not stop me having a life.

Thank you from so many SURVIVORS. Keep up the great job of helping so many others like myself.

Taking off the Mask – Part 2

Here’s part 2 of an incredible story from one of the survivors we have worked with…

So here I am sitting in a comfy RSVP chair with my counsellor going into my past. The words poured out. We discussed my feelings; how my words were making me feel and possible ways I could feel in order to change my coping mechanism.

Without the support of RSVP I wouldn’t be where I am now. I have learnt more about myself than I ever thought possible. I talk so much more, I cry too, not because I’m unhappy but because I can if I’m upset. I’ve learnt that it’s ok to be upset. I’ve learnt that my feelings are mine and it’s ok to feel them.

Now I have a new partner and she is so understanding. She is kind, beautiful and patient with me, she understands the length of my recovery and has spent many times with me coming to my counselling sessions and waiting in the waiting room for me.

I have had my bad days but with help of RSVP and my partner’s patience I have been able to get the help that I’ve needed, so my blips are more of a passing moment than a troublesome few weeks.

I am on anti-depressants but I don’t see this as a bad thing. It simply means that I have an illness, and just as you would take paracetamol for a headache, I find anti-depressants helpful in controlling my illness.

I have a good job that I enjoy and I also completed an introductory level in counselling. Since completing my counselling with RSVP, I have gone on to raise money for them and I’m currently giving some spare time to help them with a few things on a voluntary level. It’s my way of saying thank you for their hard work and continued support.

My partner and I have been on a couple of holidays together and this year we’re taking my children away. It will be the first time that I have been abroad with them, I’m so looking forward to it.

My partner and I live together and I find that since I learnt to take my mask off, when I giggle with her it is real, I laugh because I am happy.

I still get on with my ex-wife, we work through things with our children and I am there for them every day and continue to provide for them. I see them on a daily basis and FaceTime or text them all the time.`

I’m not saying that my journey has all but ended, I still have a way to go yet, but the road that I am on is clearer and for the first time in my life I have no mask and I am not running.

I think and feel more clearly. If I’m struggling, I talk about it. I’m more open and honest about how I’m feeling. There is a saying that I picked up during this journey that will always stay with me:

This seems very fitting for my journey. I have changed what I do and opened up and now what I get back has also completely changed. All of this would never have been possible without the help, guidance and support of RSVP.

Thankfully my story still continues with a more positive outlook.

Thank you RSVP.

If you would like to find out more about the work of RSVP, please don’t hesitate to contact us.

Taking off the Mask – Part 1

 Here’s part 1 of an incredible story from one of the survivors we have worked with…

My story begins when I was referred to occupational health from work. The occupational therapist was a lovely lady, I spoke briefly to her about what had been going on in my life, and she quickly and helpfully forwarded me on to a counselling service.

I had an appointment but had my reservations, I have had counselling in the past but it didn’t seem to work, however I was advised to be truthful, open and not to sit there and tell them what I think they wanted to hear! To be honest, in the past I never did any of those things, but this was different, I wanted to do this right, I was determined.

The day had come for the counselling, I was nervous and wasn’t sure what to expect. I sat in the waiting room, thinking to myself ‘I need to do this’, and practising what I was going to say when I went in.

My name was finally called and I went into the counselling room. I sat on the sofa and I was nervously fidgeting and playing with my fingers as we began.

I started by telling her about my grief and how my marriage had ended, before talking a little about my childhood and my poor relationship with my mum. I’d been bullied at school and never really had a place you could call home.

As we were coming to the end of that session the counsellor asked me if there was anything else I would like to talk about. Suddenly it came out, I replied, “Yes I was abused when I was 11”, the counsellor said that she had been waiting for me to say it. I cried like I’ve never cried before, it had finally come out and I had finally opened up.

Once I had started I didn’t stop, I opened up about my childhood from the beginning; the only problem was that my work would only cover the cost of six sessions. On my last session the counsellor explained that I might need to get more counselling and referred me to RSVP.

I had been given a number which I needed to call to arrange the counselling. I had to pluck the courage to do this. I spent a few days thinking over the prospect of what I was going to go through, thought and pictured every conceivable outcome, except for one, how supportive and compassionate that RSVP would be.

When I made the initial call the receptionist was warm and understanding and I was later re-contacted and offered an appointment to have an assessment. On the day of the assessment I travelled to the offices of RSVP and waited in reception. I was so nervous but the kind counsellor put me at ease. She took me into a lovely room, where I sat in comfort with a cushion on my lap and we talked about everything, not just about my abuse, but about my childhood as a whole. She agreed that I would benefit from some counselling. She also asked me if I hated the man who had taken advantage of a vulnerable lost and heartbroken 11year old. At that time I said no.

It was time for my counselling, I was determined to speak openly and honestly. I had a lovely lady, a volunteer counsellor, who was patient with me and we took our time to unravel my childhood.

I don’t want to use this blog to go into too much detail about what happened to me while this man took advantage, but needless to say I was vulnerable, my mum was not in a place where I could talk about my bullying, let alone my abuse.

During my counselling we discovered that my coping mechanism as a child had continued into my adult life. You see during my marriage I would have episodes of depression where I would get drunk and just want to go off somewhere. I have now come to realise this is me ‘running’ just as I did as a child. My drinking was learned watching my mum cope through drinking. I never trusted men since ‘him’, I could only ever really trust women.

Unfortunately drinking and ‘running’ didn’t work well within my marriage but now I understand why I was doing what I did when I struggled to cope. I wasn’t happy, I was just getting on with things; I would hide my feelings and lock them away, I began to be in a rut all on my own, most days I was just wearing a mask. No one knew the anguish inside.

Find out more about how the story ends in part 2, coming soon.

If you would like more information on the work of RSVP, please don’t hesitate to contact us.