Huge thanks to Martina for submitting this poem about eating disorders. It’s very thought provoking and we’re sure that other people affected by sexual trauma and eating disorders will relate to the feelings and questions that Martina evokes here. Our thoughts are with her and anyone affected as they endeavour to deal with the traumatic effects of abuse.
Life Without Shame and Without E.D.
You are my very best friend but also the worst of enemies
At times you make me feel so good but at times you make me feel disgusting
If I were free of you what would it leave?
Would it be a big gaping whole you used to fill?
Or would it be peace where the black hole used to be?
If I were free of you what would I be?
Would I be at peace?
Or would the war within me rise up and take over?
The anger that lies beneath but stays dormant and hidden deep inside just bubbling away silently. Silently.
If I were free of you who would I be?
Would I feel more powerful for overcoming you and fighting you?
Or would I feel weak for giving in and stuffing my face with the thousands of calories they want me to have?
Do I try and know that I will become this bigger person on the outside while the numbers rise rather than fall?
Or do I carry on, but carry on feeling tired, worried and disgusting with every look in a mirror or every reflection in the glass windows?
I don’t know but what I do know is I don’t want to be me anymore and feel the memories of my past.
The panic of what feelings of memories evoke. Not wanting to be touched or hugged or kissed.
Not trusting any man but been desperate so desperate to be settled get married and feel a love like never before.
Change is down to me. Do I want it enough? Is it really for me or is it to keep those around me quiet and off my back?
Why would I want to stay in this rut when I could gain so much more? Is it all so engrained like the lines on a tree trunk that no amount of hard work will ever remove this horrible disease and these horrible memories?
I just don’t know any more time will tell but right now I’m treading water and just about staying afloat.